All Around My Brain

Jesus double dipping Christ

2010-05-10T12:30:00.000-05:00

The Oscar Post

2010-03-02T20:52:00.003-06:00

We in the killin' Nazi business. And cousin, Business is a-boomin'. Although, to be perfectly honest, I would have liked to see more dead Nazis. I mean, there were a lot of dead Nazis, but you really can never have too many dead Nazis.

First of all, this whole 10 nominee thing for best picture is pure fucking bullshit. Fuck that. Of those 10, here's the 5 that should probably get a nomination - Inglorious Basterds, The Hurt Locker, Up in the Air, and then maybe A Serious Man and District 9.

Best Picture
Should win - Up in the Air or Inglorious Basterds
Will win - The Hurt Locker. It was a very technically sound movie, but it had absolutely nothing new to say about war. It's harsh, so I hear. Also, the hero was a loose cannon who didn't play by the rules, but he had a heart of gold. OOOOOOOO real fucking original! I won't be too pissed if it wins, because, as I said, it was technically sound and there isn't one thing that stands out as being drastically better than everything else.

Best Director
Should - Quentin fucking Tarantino. Or Jason Reitman.
Will - Either James Cameron or Kathyrn "I don't know how to spell Katherine" Bigelow. FUCK James Cameron. Yeah, you had really good special effects, but your lame movie sucked balls.

Actor
Should and will - either Jeff Bridges or George Clooney. Edge to Bridges.

Supporting Actor
Should and obviously will - Christoph Waltz. No question.

Actress
I haven't seen a single one of these movies... Sandra Bullock will probably win, and from what I've heard she deserves it.

Supporting Actress
I'd really like to see Anna Kendrick win, although it sounds like Mo'nique will, and I hear she deserves it.

Best Animated
Up will win, and I loved it, although I've heard really good things about some of the other nominees.

Adapted Screenplay
Up in the Air should win I think, but I'm not positive it will.

Original Screenplay
I seriously hope Inglorious Basterds wins. It was about 60 fucking billion times more original than The Hurt Locker.

Killing Hitler should get you a god damned Oscar!

This came through today, and it is fucking hilarious.

2010-02-03T21:01:00.000-06:00

Oscar thoughts

2010-01-08T22:57:00.002-06:00

I'm behind this year.

"Up in the Air" was very, very good, and so far it's easily my favorite of the year. "Inglorious Basterds" was Tarantino's best since "Pulp Fiction," so I expect some kind of nomination. "Up" is gonna win best animated film without a doubt. It doesn't seem like a great year. Not bad, just not great.

Um, is it a black guy?

2009-12-17T11:21:00.002-06:00

3 men and a donkey

2009-12-03T14:37:00.002-06:00

So I'm thinking about starting a book club at LE, with an emphasis on banned or controversial books. Thoughts?

I also already have the perfect retort ready for anyone who says anything that I disagree with: "Really? Cause I thought that was an allegory for your mom. At least that's what she told me when I was teabagging her with my balls last night. She was like, 'That *mmf* is *mmfmf* totally *mff* an *mfmf* alle *mmfff* gory *mfmm* for *gurgle* me.'"

I just can't think of England

2009-11-04T23:45:00.003-06:00

Here's a question: Is role playing during a job interview unethical if the interviewee doesn't know he or she is involved in role playing? This didn't happen to me, but they did it with the pages they were interviewing, and when I heard about it it didn't seem quite right.

Question two: During a job interview, is it ever appropriate for the interviewee to say, "I've got a riddle for you - What has two thumbs and a boner? *points both thumbs at self* This guy."

That last one was put in there just because I promised dick jokes but haven't really delivered.

That's no moon...

2009-10-08T19:58:00.001-05:00

http://buzz.yahoo.com/buzzlog/93080?fp=1

Check out the cock on that cow!

2009-10-01T22:27:00.002-05:00

Don't worry, I'll get back to the dick jokes in a bit

2009-09-15T23:27:00.002-05:00

So this kid came up to the circ desk today, probably 9 or 10 and obviously very shy and intimidated. He nervously said his dad got a call that the book he was waiting for was in, but he couldn't find it. I looked up his record, and saw that he had "The Tale of Despereaux" graphic novel on hold. So, I went out to our holds shelf, found it in the correct spot (not sure if the kid actually looked, he seemed a bit lost) and brought it back to the desk. I'm not sure what it was, but something about the kid made me think he didn't really want the graphic novel, so I asked him if that was what he really wanted, as I had the impression that I probably could have handed him ANY book and he would have walked out with it. He asked if there was a chapter book, and I told him there was and then went and got it for him. I checked them both out to him, he seemed pretty happy, and then on his way out I noticed he put the graphic version in the book return.

See, it's exchanges like these that makes me like to work with the public - getting someone what they want even when they aren't sure/aren't comfortable enough to ask. Sure, you get like 1 of these for every 50 assholes, but the assholes never bother me. And actually, I especially enjoy helping the assholes, because a lot of the time, when you have an answer to every complaint they have and you can look them straight in the eye and assure them that their problem will be taken care of, they have no choice but to stop being assholes, if only briefly. In my mind, when I've been the customer, I never remember exchanges that go perfectly smooth. However, if I had some kind of problem, and the person helping me did everything they could to fix it, I walk away more impressed than if there hadn't been a problem in the first place.

Point and shoot

2009-08-22T23:38:00.001-05:00

I'm not much of a gamer, and I know I'm like four years late on this, but F.E.A.R. is pretty fucking awesome.

Pet peeve number four hundred and thirty six million, six hundred and twenty two thousand, nine hundred and eighty one

2009-08-21T22:35:00.002-05:00

Middle-aged corporate looking "dudes" with sunglasses on their heads who come in and attempt to act all cool by trying to talk to me about music and calling me "bro." I'm not your fucking "bro," stupid fucker. Now get the fuck out of here an go listen to Coldplay while playing Halo with your dumbass wife, who can probably hold a conversation about as well as my taint. You were in a frat, weren't you? You think The Doors are deep, don't you? You, on more than one occasion, have referred to something you like as "boss," haven't you? Douche.

I forget the rest but your mom is a whore.

2009-08-06T11:51:00.001-05:00

It's funny because you see it coming

2009-07-28T22:54:00.002-05:00

If you like kid's books...

2009-07-26T20:31:00.000-05:00

You'll love these

Because the world would be a worse place without it

2009-06-15T12:58:00.001-05:00

Hadrian, as a legal scholar, should be able to back me up on this one

2009-05-18T14:53:00.002-05:00

You know, it never ceases to amaze me how often people misinterpret the 2nd Amendment. In reality, it has absolutely nothing to do with firearms. See, what happened was, John Adams and Thomas Jefferson were having this arm wrestling competition, and John kept winning so Jefferson was all like, "Best 2 of 3? 3 out of 5? 5 of 7?" And eventually Adams was all, "Fuck you, Jefferson, you lost. Deal with it, bitch." So Jefferson was all like, "Oh yeah? Well, I'm gonna go cut my arms off, and then replace them with fucking grizzly bear arms! Then we'll see who's the bitch, bitch!" And then Adams was like, "Dude, you can't replace your arms with grizzly bear arms you liquid cunt!" But Jefferson was all like, "Oh yeah? Second Amendment, mother fucker! That's right, Johnny, put that in your juice box and suck it!" And that was the end of that argument. However, as the story goes, Jefferson never did get his arms replaced with grizzly bear arms... something about getting distracted and banging a whole boatload of black chicks or something. Still, the point of the story remains - we have the right to bear arms.

The next level of don't give a fuck

2009-05-09T12:05:00.002-05:00

So, a few days ago I turned in a final project for ESU. It took me about an hour, and I didn't even proofread it. But honestly, at the moment, I really couldn't care less.

Right now, I am working on my last final project for the semester. Let's see if I can crank this bitch out in an hour or two and then slap it on a blog or website like a monkey slapping a turd on a plexiglass zoo enclosure.

Using logic and careful deduction to win an argument

2009-05-01T16:24:00.002-05:00

There are people out there who would have you believe that money cannot buy you happiness. I believe that I have an argument that will prove those people wrong - Money can't buy you happiness, huh? Well, money can buy you tacos and prostitutes.

Check and mate.

I'm trying to be a more sensitive blogger

2009-04-15T20:00:00.002-05:00

Heidi Klum is pregnant with her fourth kid. Jesus Christ, she's still got a sweet ass and everything, but that vagina ain't a clown car.

Elrond Hubbard

2009-04-08T12:43:00.002-05:00

Apparently, I need to explain this. Elrond. You know, the guy from Lord of the Rings? Plus Hubbard, the scientology guy. Now make a funny picture.

Twat vomit

2009-04-06T22:11:00.003-05:00

This cracked me up. Apparently, this little girl's parents dealt with her anger by smacking her in the mouth. Awesome! That's right, little Susie, if you don't shut up, next time we're gonna "work it out" with a wiffle ball bat!

Photoshop request

2009-04-06T15:13:00.001-05:00

Elrond Hubbard. Somebody make a funny picture.

I'm beginning to see a pattern...

2009-04-04T14:02:00.001-05:00

Tricks are something a whore does for money

2009-03-28T20:41:00.001-05:00

And by "fail," they mean "win."

2009-03-20T20:36:00.001-05:00

It's okay, Billy, just show us on the doll where Jesus touched you.

2009-03-20T09:39:00.002-05:00

Wait for it... Then ask yourself, WHAT THE FUCK!?

2009-03-17T22:20:00.001-05:00

One of you turds is about to get smacked in the mouth!

2009-03-16T21:56:00.001-05:00

I just opened up a fortune cookie, and the message read, "Your fortune is on it's way." What the fuck!? A fucking IOU from a fucking fortune cookie!? Talk about an economy in the toilet.

I'm a pussy pirate, my name is Jack Sparrow. Take off my pants so you can see my flesh arrow.

2009-03-14T22:22:00.001-05:00

The thing about the X-Files

2009-03-13T00:20:00.002-05:00

What people don't realize is that the X-Files is actually an extremely patriotic show. It convinces you that our government is capable of carrying out massive conspiracies when, in fact, the party in power can't even cover up a Minnesota airport suckfest. The X-Files tries to convince us that our government is anything but a collection of rich, stupid, and inbred fanatics. You see, in reality, what makes our country great is that our government can't hide shit. Unfortunately, what makes our country horrible is that, in spite of this fact, we still have a Republican party.

Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island?

2009-03-11T12:49:00.001-05:00

Wow

2009-03-01T15:32:00.001-06:00

Dang, Missouri, did you even try? That was embarrassing.

Bonerific!

2009-02-28T15:27:00.004-06:00

The Chiefs got Matt Cassell and Mike Vrabel for nothing more than a second round draft pick! I'm so fucking happy I could shit a fucking candy coated rainbow! It remains to be seen how well Cassell will perform in the long run, but he sure as hell is farther along than anyone they could have drafted this season... and for only a second round draft pick! Also, I hear that they will likely switch to a 3-4 defense. Motherfucking brilliant!

A roaring cockup

2009-02-28T13:07:00.002-06:00

I have the habit of telling patrons "thank you" when they check out. Every once and awhile, they say "you're welcome," and this bugs me a little. See, I'm not really thanking you. I'm providing you with a great free service, you should be thanking me, numbnuts. You didn't do anything for me in this transaction.

Proof that God does not exist. This isn't real -

2009-02-27T20:49:00.002-06:00

uhuhuh

2009-02-27T20:37:00.003-06:00

Huhuh

2009-02-27T20:33:00.000-06:00

Huhuhuh.

Okay...

2009-02-22T20:36:00.011-06:00

Hassidic meth lab. Ha!

Penelope Cruz winning was very nice. No real complaints so far, other than Hugh Jackman sucking big hairy monkey balls.

Wait, Milk shouldn't have won for original screenplay. That screenplay was extremely disappointing.

Where did Sarah Jessica Parker get those massive tits? I swear they weren't there during the pre-show thing. I think I would have noticed that.

Judd Apatow is my own personal Jesus.

Musicals suck. Always have, always will.

I fucking hate Twilight.

Why are Billy Corgan and Yo Yo Ma doing Hyundai commercials?

Damn, Werner Herzog has been around forever, and he gets nominated for something every year, and every year I'm like, damn! I didn't know Werner Herzog made another movie!

What the cock smoking fucking mother fucking fuck!?!? How the fucking fuck do you fucking give the fucking Oscar for best documentary short to that!?

Man, Tom Cruise is a dick.

Post production!!! WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

While it is a minor award, I would like to point out that the the visual effects for Benjamin Button sucked diet cock.

Every time they mention Benjamin Button, I can't help saying how truly awful that movie was. Seriously, you could film a bloody tampon floating in a bucket for three hours and it would be a better movie.

Those sneaky fucking bastards! Their "comedy tribute" is Jerry Lewis!? What the fuck, I thought it'd be George Carlin. Who gives a fuck about Jerry Lesis?

Of course that was a reference to Joaquin Phoenix. That man is going to be dead within a few years, which is really, really horrible.

I love Sean Penn, but that was Mickey Rourke's Oscar. At least Sean Penn acknowledged this. I'm not pissed, just extremely disappointed. The Academy made a disgusting mistake on that one.

The running post

2009-02-22T12:24:00.002-06:00

I just don't see it happening this year. The Oscars are very, very predictable right now. Slumdog Millionaire will win the major awards, and the only question is who will win best actress. I'd like to see Anne Hathaway win, but several deserve it so who cares. Micky Rourke better win best actor, though. If Sean Penn wins, and it is soooo weird to say this, it will be a travesty.

This shit never happens to me

2009-02-07T13:42:00.003-06:00

You know, Frankenstein might be the most Jewish name ever. Especially considering that his first name was Morty. On a side note, my porn name will be Frankenboner.

"Harold" is the best teen angst movie ever.

The Tedious Case of Benjamin Button

2009-01-29T21:15:00.002-06:00

That movie fucking sucked. And you know, it's one thing to suck for an hour and 45 minutes, but that thing sucked for three fucking hours. It was a pointless and boring story about boring things happening to boring people. I can't believe Brad Pitt got an Oscar nomination for that shit. His character had all the range of a dead tree. There was not a hint of emotion at any point throughout the story. I didn't give a shit about the characters, because there was nothing to give a shit about.

They also kept trying to work this weird "fate" thing in, but it was incredibly inconsistent, convoluted, and just incorrect. It's like the story was written by some retard who seriously thinks "the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few" is one of the great philosophical points ever made by man. You know what? When you step out into the middle of the road without looking and get hit by a car, it isn't the fault of some person who spent an extra second tying their shoe. It is the fault of the dumb fucker who stepped out in the street without looking. That isn't fate, that is a dumb fucker stepping in front of a car. That is what happens when you do that. You get hit by a fucking car. The universe didn't have anything to do with it. Also, the hummingbird at the end was part of another character's story and had nothing to do with Benjamin, so including it was fucking stupid.

At one point, I was certain that there was going to be a fifteen minute long segment of the movie devoted to someone opening a checking account. That is the type of boring shit that went on in this movie. I had a mattress. I went swimming. I taught dance classes. I did normal activities of no particular interest. Jesus, what a fucking turd.

The Reader

2009-01-25T21:17:00.003-06:00

I know what you are thinking, but no, The Reader is not about a literate person who moves to Nebraska and is subsequently ostracized.

Let's talk about Kate Winslet. She is an insanely good actress, and she should get two Oscars this year. That won't happen, though. So, while The Reader was a better movie than Revolutionary Road, I think Kate Winslet should have been nominated for the latter. She was a much bigger part of that movie, and I think it was a somewhat richer performance. Still, if she doesn't win this year, it's going to take her playing the lead in the Yao Ming biopic for her to get a freakin Oscar. She could pull it off.

The more I think about it, the more Milk was the most disappointing movie of the year.

My neck hurts

2009-01-24T11:15:00.002-06:00

Gunther is out, that is so friggin sweet. Herm is out, and that is fine. It will be interesting to see who they get to replace them. Mike Shannahan is a great coach, especially with someone else making the personnel decisions. We'll just have to wait and see.

Butt fuckers

2009-01-22T09:38:00.003-06:00

I have some very serious problems with the Oscar nominations.

Clint Eastwood and Leonardo Dicaprio deserved best actor nominations over Sean Penn, Frank Langella, and Richard Jenkins. I didn't see Benjamin Button, but Brad Pitt just isn't a great actor. James Franco was the best thing about Milk, and he deserved a supporting actor nomination over Josh Brolin and Michael Shannon.

Gran Torrino was a much better movie than Milk, and I'm sure it was better than Frost/Nixon. It was completely snubbed. Revolutionary Road was also pretty much snubbed, and that was much better than Milk and the crappy looking Nixon movie.

I am happy that Dark Knight didn't get much, and Slumdog Millionaire should take the major awards pretty easily.

Predictions:

Actor: Micky Rourke. Of the nominees, he was the best.

Supporting Actor: Heath Ledger

Actress: Kate Winslett. I haven't seen The Reader yet, but it better be fucking great for her to be nominated for that over Revolutionary Road.

Supporting Actress: Amy Adams, though I liked Marisa Tomei a Hell of a lot.

Director: Slumdog Millionaire

Film Editing: Slumdog Millionaire

Picture: Slumdog Millionaire

Adapted Screenplay: Slumdog Millionaire

Original Screenplay: In Bruges. The screenplay was what sucked about Milk. The acting, directing, cinematography were all great, but they did a horrible job on the story.

Spider drug study

2009-01-21T10:44:00.001-06:00

Harold Knutdangler, at your service!

2009-01-20T23:00:00.002-06:00

So I have a squirrel feeder thing in my back yard. Basically, it is a piece of wood that sticks out of the ground with a screw in the top. The screw is for mounting dried ears of corn for the squirrels to eat. Anyways, the other day I had this curved ear of corn on there and, for some reason, the squirrels took all of the kernels except for those at the very top. It totally looked like a boner. You should have seen it, it was hilarious. I kept wanting to tell people, "Yeah, that's for the squirrels. And the ladies."

Class Weekend

2009-01-16T16:54:00.004-06:00

It's nice to know that, for the next ~48 hours, I will be losing my will to live. Maybe I should ask myself WWSDCCD?

On the plus side, I ordered a new digital camera.

Hint: It's a vagina.

2009-01-15T19:01:00.000-06:00

Call

2009-01-14T22:51:00.000-06:00

Because you're not right in the head

2009-01-14T10:55:00.002-06:00

This is turning out to be a great year for the Chiefs. I was surprised when they finally fired King Carl, and now I am surprised that they actually hired Scott Pioli. He should be an outstanding GM, and I couldn't think of anyone better to come in and turn the organization around. Now, as far as Herm Edwards is concerned - I still like him, but I want change. However, I think he should get one more season in Kansas City. Not so much because I think he will be successful, but because I think this would be a shitty time to get a new coach. With so many young players, I think continuity at the head coaching level would benefit the team in the long run. So, fire Herm next year. Fire Gunther immediately, though. The man is a piece of shit loser.

With Pioli, I think the Chiefs might FINALLY draft and develop a real life quarterback. Maybe not this year, but soon. Although, if the kid from Georgia is available at #3, I say scoop him up and take advantage of the massive salary cap space. This should also be a good year for free agency. The Chiefs are probably going to still suck next year, but there are many reasons to be very optimistic for the future.

Know how you can tell I'm optimistic? I was talking about the Chiefs and I didn't use the word "fuck" once in this post.

There ain't no tits on the radio

2009-01-13T10:48:00.001-06:00

Balls

2009-01-12T11:01:00.002-06:00

For some reason, my payment didn't go through on Friday so ESU dropped me from my classes for this semester. I can't reach the person I need to talk to. God fucking dammit.

Update: After stressing for several hours, I finally contacted someone and the re-instated me. It turned out to not be that big of a deal, but still...

My last post was number 666

2009-01-11T21:37:00.001-06:00

Eagles - Cardinals for the NFC Championship. Didn't see that one coming. Baltimore - Pittsburg isn't surprising, though.

Gran Torrino was great, but Slumdog Millionaire is the best movie I've seen this year. Milk was decent, but not that great.

Now for more serious business.

2009-01-09T14:33:00.002-06:00

Ever wonder if maybe Jeffrey Dahmer just really hated grocery shopping?

A cock sucking ass fucking shit monkey anal bead donkey hymen bastard bonerfuck football post

2009-01-03T16:04:00.002-06:00

I hate the fucking Colts. I hate the fucking Giants. There is a good chance of a Manning vs Manning Superbowl. That would fucking suck cougar balls. How the fuck does an 11-5 team miss the fucking playoffs? That is horse shit. If the Chiefs hire Marty, that would be the most horrific fucking thing that could happen, I can't fucking believe that anyone even thought of something that fucking stupid.

I'm gonna say Panthers - Steelers if Big Ben is okay. Otherwise, Panthers - Colts. But, it is gonna fucking be Giants - Colts. It just fucking is. Peyton won the fucking MVP, which, this year, stands for "Piece of shit that can fit the most rhino dicks in his butt hole." He can fit six thousand and fifteen, in case you were wondering. And that is full sized adult rhino dicks.

effing hangovers

2009-01-01T15:51:00.002-06:00

So, I got back from Florida yesterday afternoon, and I decided to go to the grocery store. I dumped a carton of 18 extra large eggs on the floor, which was nice. Some elderly black woman helped me pick up the ones that didn't break and she said, "Oh, you poor thing!" I'm thinking, "Don't patronize me. I'm not poor, I'm retarded." The eggs get taken care of, so I go to check out, but I discover that I left my wallet at home. I asked the checkout girl to save my stuff so I can run home and get my money. I do this, and when I came back, the person in front of my was a transvestite who wasn't even CLOSE to passing. He/she finishes, and the checkout girl looks at me and says, "Wait, are you the wallet guy?" I say that I am, and she tells me that she had just scanned all of my items for another guy that looked just like me. I'm thinking, "Jesus, I hope it wasn't the person that was just in front of me."

Right now, I fucking hate Kansas.

huhuhuh

2008-12-17T23:45:00.001-06:00

What would Jesus do? Cocaine off of a whore's ass, that's what.

2008-12-13T19:35:00.002-06:00

Arthur and the Untimely Yet Pitifully Quaint Erection

2008-12-09T22:31:00.002-06:00

How to beat a cold - Tasty chili, followed by hot tea, followed by enough cold medication to kill an adult water buffalo. Anything worth doing is worth doing to excess.

Stupid Chiefs

2008-12-04T13:35:00.002-06:00

So far, I have to say, this is turning into an incredibly weak movie season. The only thing I am really looking forward to is "Milk" with Sean Penn.

Count Fagula

2008-11-24T17:03:00.001-06:00

Thank you, Southpark, for thinking this whole "Twilight" thing is as stupid as I do.

Yes, Timmy, Santa Clause is real. Jesus, on the other hand...

2008-11-21T10:47:00.003-06:00

Okay, so we all understand that Frankenstein was the doctor and the monster was the monster, right? Here is what I don't get: how does Frankenberry work? Is there a Dr. Frankenberry who is making some kind of monster cereal? I only remember ever seeing a picture of a monster on the cereal box. Was there a doctor and I just don't remember it? It seems to me like they are saying that Frankenberry is the monster, but that doesn't seem right in keeping with the literary tradition. I mean, even George Clinton and Parliament Funkadelic, in there massive marijuana-haze, got it right with their song "Dr. Funkenstein." Funkenstein was the doctor, and he created the funk monster or whatever. And you know, now that I think about it, there are a lot of questionable cereal characters out there. I never understood what a neckerchief-wearing tiger has to do with frosted flakes.

I should really go back to writing my paper for library school, but this whole Frankenberry thing seems much more important at the moment.

*Update* - "Frankenberries" is good slang for testicles.

You are a stupid bitch, and your vagina smells like old mayonnaise and halibut.

2008-11-19T00:17:00.002-06:00

Who keeps letting Vin Diesel make movies, and how can we make that person stop living?

Whatever happened to good old-fashioned world domination?

2008-11-18T10:20:00.002-06:00

New Bond. I liked it a lot better than Casino Royale. While this character still isn't James Bond, he is getting closer. I think Craig makes a pretty good younger, more reckless Bond, and he didn't bug me as much as he did in the last movie. The movie itself was nice and entertaining. I thought Casino Royale started to drag on a bit during the poker scenes, but that wasn't a problem with this one. I really ended up liking it more than I thought I would. However, I still have one complaint: the music. If I'm watching James Bond, I need James Bond music, damnit! And lots of it!

Emporia State University

2008-11-07T16:47:00.001-06:00

It's like getting raped by bears with STDs.

I voted yeeeears ago

2008-11-04T21:53:00.003-06:00

Sometimes, at work, at the end of the night when I am doing the shredding, I like to put the paper shredder in reverse and pretend it has an eating disorder.

Tonight, a patron, upon seeing the large book on CD that was being held for her, exclaimed, "Oh my God! It's huge!" I, being the quick witted sort, nearly blurted out, "If I had a nickle..." Thankfully I held it in, but I did start laughing as soon as she turned her back.

In Japan, they pronounce it "erection"

2008-11-04T21:29:00.003-06:00

Well, it looks like it is going to be a monumental day for all minorities. We are on the verge of electing our first openly Muslim president, so that should be interesting.

I have to thank Missourians for not electing Kenny Hulsof. What a fucking douchetard.

Anal warthogs

2008-10-24T18:28:00.003-05:00

An actual conversation:

Woman cutting my hair: "I like your Led Zeppelin shirt. Where'd you get it?"
Me: "Uh, actually, I don't remember. I think someone gave it to me."
Her: "I don't see too many of those anymore."
Me: "Yeah, I like it though."
Her: "I have one, I got it at Wal-Mart. Oh wait, no, that was my Lynyrd Skynyrd shirt."

Of course it was.

Response to Degolar's Testing a Theory

2008-10-21T22:45:00.001-05:00

In elementary school, I think we would go to the school library once a week. I have this memory of getting in trouble for a destroyed magazine that I had nothing to do with. The librarian kept accusing me, and I was all, "Bitch you be trippin'!"

I can't remember at what age this was, but one of my school librarians was quite possibly the fattest human being to ever roam the Earth. I think she also had a lisp. I believe I later saw her ass on the Colbert Report, when it was featured on the "Better Know a District" segment.

My middle-school librarian was really cool. In 6th grade study hall, two of my friends and I would always spend the whole period in the library, just dicking around. The librarian was always fine with that.

When I was really young (pre-kindergarten), I remember going to the old Gardner library to check out dinosaur and alien books. I would always try to find this one dinosaur book with a really gory picture of one dino eating another. It kind of freaked me out.

Learn to swim

2008-10-21T22:28:00.002-05:00

I must say, as far as Sirsi upgrades go, that went pretty well.

I'm having a really hard time ILL-ing books by Carlton Mellick III.

Putting my book learnins to good use

2008-10-16T19:49:00.003-05:00

So, the big question is, how do we get kids to read? Unfortunately, we can't expect them to just read for the sake of reading. This is unfeasible. Video games used to be an okay option. Before the PS2, role-playing games like Final Fantasy VII were subtitled, which forced gamers to read. These days, however, games are mostly dubbed. Now, instead of reading, children are often committing murders due to the intense anger brought on by bad voice acting. Now, it turns out that, in many states, it is actually okay to commit murder based on bad voice acting. But do we really want children running around murdering people? Well, yes, we often do, but not all the time.

I think I have found a great solution to this problem. Tell me, what do all kids love more than anything? That's right - hardcore Asian porn. See, what we need to do is purchase a large collection of authentic, subtitled, Asian porn. That way, kids will get their hot Asian porn, but they will also be forced to read the subtitles if they want to understand what is going on. Problem solved!

Just so you know...

2008-10-05T20:28:00.001-05:00

I hated Dane Cook before hating Dane Cook was cool.

Fucking class weekend.

2008-10-03T21:09:00.002-05:00

I found the perfect word to describe library school in its entirety - flaccid.

He had a lot to say

2008-09-28T23:54:00.001-05:00

I am a little disappointed with the Chiefs win. Losing can force change, and they fucking need change.

Monkey farts

2008-09-24T11:28:00.003-05:00

I am so fucking sick of school. I just want it to be over. If I took more classes a semester, I would finish sooner, but I can't bring myself to do that because I am so fucking sick of it. All my care and motivation is dedicated elsewhere, and I just don't give a shit about school anymore. I know I should care, but I don't.

I'm just going to start making shit up for my projects. Did any of you know that the Library of Alexandria was actually destroyed by Skeletor? Seriously. It was. That's what my presentation says, at least.

I don't like Facebook and its sketchy applications. I pretty much only sign on to play Scrabble. If Myspace had Scrabble, I would never use Facebook. Stupid high school people keep finding me on there. Why the Hell did I use my real name?

Level 14 mustache enthusiast

2008-09-22T23:17:00.002-05:00

A prediction

2008-09-21T22:56:00.002-05:00

Denver 42, Kansas City 13. Let's see how close I get!

The Cowboys seem to be the best team in football, although it is a little early for speculation. The AFC is a mess. The Broncos are looking good, but their defense is suspect. I'll be surprised if the Colts and especially the Chargers don't improve.

There seems to be a lot of high-profile injuries already.

I don't even have the motivation for a proper rant. At least the Colts lost. Fucking Mannings.

Leelu called it

2008-09-19T12:01:00.000-05:00

Spore got old really fast.

Many good previews

2008-09-15T12:08:00.001-05:00

Have you ever wondered what would happen if the Coen brothers did an episode of Seinfeld? Well, go see "Burn After Reading."

Stupid fucking Mannings

2008-09-14T17:20:00.001-05:00

0-16 baby! Here we come!

How many boards could the Mongols hoard if the Mongol hords got bored?

2008-09-12T10:19:00.002-05:00

In its natural habitat

2008-09-10T17:16:00.001-05:00

What is wrong with this picture?

Breaking my anti-video game habit.

2008-09-09T14:24:00.002-05:00

Spore is freaking awesome!

You are so fucking wrong

2008-09-09T10:50:00.002-05:00

Dogs fucked the Pope is one of my favorites, and I use it frequently.

Brodie Croyle is a piece of shit. He has never played a full season at any point in his career. He couldn't even make it through the first game of this season without getting hurt again.

Belichick is a genius, that is why I love the Patriots. Usually, I hate those kind of teams (i.e. the Cowboys of the early 90s and Peyton Manning and the Colts), but I have been a Belichick fan for years. Still, it doesn't matter how great of a coach you are, losing that good of a quarterback ends your season. You can't just sub out the greatest skill position in all of sports and expect everything to be okay. The Patriots will still win their fair share of games this season, but they have no championship hopes without Brady.

No, the Chiefs did not look better than expected. Their offense was shit for most of the game, and the defense couldn't even begin to get a pass rush. They're receivers, aside from Bowe, are retards who couldn't even make it in the Arena League.

Some of the other reasons that I have liked New England for years: Teddy Bruschi has long been one of my favorite players, and so was Ty Law. Anyone who pays attention knows that I absolutely love the 3-4 defense, and New England's has been the best for a long time. It's the same reason I wanted the Steelers to beat the Seahawks in the Super Bowl a few years ago. I can't stand Bill Cowher, but I loved their defense.

Dogs fucked the Pope, no fault of mine

2008-09-08T01:05:00.003-05:00

I have had a hard time getting excited about football season this year. The Chiefs are going to be horrible, and now Tom Brady is hurts so that fucks up the Patriots. Even though I hate the Colts, the fact that they lost to the Bears is disturbing. Also, Brett Favre on any team but the Packers is just not quite right.

It is going to be a long and painful season, but with any luck the Chiefs will be the worst team in the NFL. That should force them to FINALLY draft a real franchise quarterback in Tim Tebow.

Right now, I'm picking the Cowboys to win the Super Bowl. The Steelers could win the AFC, but really, who the Hell knows?

I am also not planning on buying the new Madden, which is weird. I can't really justify spending 60 bucks on a video game.

Stupid fucking Chiefs fuck everything up.

I'm Larry Craig and I approve these anal beads.

2008-08-25T16:20:00.002-05:00

I refuse to vote for anyone that gives their television pitch while walking through any sort of corn and/or wheat field. Oooo! He's casually strolling through some Midwestern landscape! He must be a down to earth kind of fella! Yes, fistfucker, walk by that corn and casually tell me about your plan to end bi-partisanship. Jackass. I hope Ted Kennedy takes you on a car ride.

Why the hell isn't bass fishing and olympic sport?

2008-08-22T17:19:00.004-05:00

So, on Tuesday, I found a pool of water in my basement laundry room. I thought something was leaking, so I immediately dove in and tried to get the water cleaned up. Then, I noticed bits of toilet paper and... the smell. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I spent a good part of my Tuesday afternoon and evening covered in shit water. It turns out that my sewage line was backed up. That has been fixed, and the area has been thoroughly cleansed, but still. Fucking ewwwwww.

Oh yeah, my plumber lived up to the stereotype. He was a big fat guy that, when he leaned over, showed his ass-crack.

Babies with rabies give everyone scabies

2008-08-18T23:28:00.001-05:00

Does anyone else find it disturbing that AC/DC's new CD is going to be sold exclusively by Wal-Mart?

Double Ha!

2008-08-14T15:45:00.002-05:00

Read the little article and the first comment!

So put that fucking finger up your ass

2008-08-09T00:05:00.005-05:00

Wow, already?

2008-08-07T17:28:00.002-05:00

I just got my S&S invitation in the mail. I can't believe it is that time of year already! Awesome. Unfortunately, there isn't going to be any home brew this year. I haven't been able to get the right mixture, and everything else I have tried has tasted like walrus shit.

ahem

2008-08-05T22:29:00.001-05:00

NOBODY GIVES A FUCK ABOUT THE FUCKING HILTONS AND THE FUCKING MCCAIN AD!

Listen to my muscle memory

2008-07-30T19:39:00.002-05:00

I have another great idea for a children's book. The tentative title is, "Everyone poops, except for you, because you touch yourself when you think nobody is watching. Well, Jesus is watching, and Jesus doesn’t like what he sees. Tubby.”

New Batman

2008-07-27T01:10:00.003-05:00

It was, in fact, very good. The only thing that almost ruined it for me was the "Batman Voice," which wrecked the last movie for me.

I wish I could take a shit too, but I ain't got no anus.

2008-07-25T20:47:00.004-05:00

I saw the X-Files movie, and I really liked it.

Okay, so right now, I am finally watching the last James Bond movie. Here is what I don't understand: this is supposed to take place before the other movies, right? Then why are there cell phones and laptops and everything? They haven't mentioned any kind of time-warp or cross-dimesional situation or anything, so I can't figure this thing out. I guess they are just starting a new timeline or something, which is kind of weird, but it keeps Bond from aging.

I don't really like Daniel Craig as James Bond, though. He's okay, but he is just too goofy looking for the part. I thought the movie was decent, but not great. It really started to drag on.

Oh, and James Bond plays baccarat, not Texas-fucking-hold 'em.

HA!

2008-07-17T11:22:00.003-05:00

Okay, so I really wanted to drop my cataloging class before the midterm because I hadn't really completed any of the exercises to prepare for it. Well, I am glad I didn't. I scored a 99/100, and my only mistake was writing "forward" instead of "foreward." I really just can't get over how easy library school is!

Flarida.

2008-07-11T18:49:00.001-05:00

Been here since Sunday, pretty good trip so far. I drank water from Ponce de Leon's fountain of youth the other day. It tasted stale. Today, I saw John Travolta. He was leaving a resturant right as we were going in. I am really pissed, if we had gotten there like 10 seconds earlier, I could have talked to him.

Drive, monkey, drive!

2008-07-05T11:39:00.000-05:00

Has anyone read Goblin Hero? It just came through, and it looked kind of fun.

Be on the lookout for that hooker with a penis

2008-06-28T20:05:00.003-05:00

So, my townhouse complex has a pool, and in the six years that I have lived here, I have never taken advantage of it. I am thinking that that really needs to change this summer. What does everyone else think? Who is up for pool related fun?